Saving a marriage: how inner work can change everything
- Apr 10, 2024
- 8 min read
In Germany we have a divorce rate of around 40 percent. That is an enormous amount and clearly shows how difficult it is for couples to stay together in the long term these days. Infidelity, too little in common and in some cases domestic violence are still the most common reasons for divorce. In 56% of cases the woman files for divorce. I don't want to talk so much today about improving communication or talking things out. If you are reading this, you probably want to save your marriage and may already be at your wits' end. You may have already tried a lot to approach your partner differently and are desperate because they are becoming more and more distant from you. Most people have tried many times to improve their communication and have failed miserably. Many couples are at a point where talking seems to no longer help. In such cases, I want to support the partners in discovering their subconscious views or beliefs and in doing so, becoming aware of the way in which they may have brought old baggage into the marriage and thereby unconsciously burdened it. This contributes to emotional healing and very often opens doors that already seemed firmly closed.
Anyone who can love themselves and is open to recognizing their own parts can also lead their marriage positively.
It all starts with a decision. Only those who decide to save their marriage have a chance of doing so.
Inner work is not only suitable for couples, but can even be used when only one of the two partners is actively involved. That is what makes this form of couple coaching so special. Often the fronts between the partners are already so hardened that inner work in particular can help to direct the focus away from the partner and towards oneself. Because basically it is not really about him or her, but about where you are in life and what you really want for your own future. As a result, solutions can be found that can then be discussed with the partner and incorporated into the relationship through positive changes in behavior. Usually a new inner attitude towards the partner softens the wall between the two, so that conversations become possible again. I have very often experienced that during the course of a partner's coaching, the other partner later joined in and the two were able to carry on together. How did the current situation arise? Some people who are frustrated and dissatisfied with their partner have a tendency to only look to their partner to see what he or she is doing wrong. Then people condemn, accuse and complain. All of this leads to your own energy, but also that of your partner, being weakened and you increasingly find yourself in the position of victim. Your partner is bound to react to this change because two people always have a dynamic of their own as soon as they are emotionally connected. The partner who sees themselves as a victim usually thinks one-sidedly about attacks, denigrations or other statements made by the other that damage their own being. The other partner is thus internally pushed into the role of the perpetrator, even if from the outside they could be just as much a victim as you are. Differentiating between these is a very important part of the inner work in order to be able to reorient yourself and pacify the situation between two people.
I would like to briefly mention here that we only ever see/hear what we want to see/hear. This is why it is usually impossible for a person who feels emotionally attacked, misunderstood, unseen and unheard to understand the other person. It is very important to always first clarify your own subconscious view of things and to get out of the emotional downward spiral that is largely present before trying to improve communication. This is because communication is a result of your inner attitude towards your partner and yourself. It is a symptom of the deficient relationship, so to speak. However, it is not the cause of the deficit that the relationship has. So if you desperately try to improve communication without being aware of your inner attitudes and beliefs, it is like fighting windmills. It costs a lot of energy and usually does not lead to the desired result.
The subconscious makes up 95% of the total consciousness! It always wins!
Communication happens automatically, as we are used to. The brain always reacts to situations within milliseconds. That is why it is so difficult to think rationally once you have become emotional. We then switch to a part of our brain that is responsible for our survival and that allows us to react automatically. However, we usually only react to inner images and experiences from the past, even though the current situation may be similar or even completely different. However, the subconscious only needs a few parameters that are similar to a previous, real threat and we go into a defensive position. Then one of the three survival modes kicks in: fight - flight - or freeze. In relationships where one is the stronger and real oppression takes place, it can even be a form of Stockholm syndrome. Here, the victim usually stays in the harmful situation because they have learned to "love" their tormentor in order to survive. However, the latter is not the rule. If one of the partners feels attacked quickly because he or she was repeatedly in situations in childhood in which he or she had to justify or defend himself or herself, this can lead to an overreaction. The other partner usually suffers from this and cannot explain why completely normal discussions always escalate so quickly. This phenomenon is very common and can easily be pacified through inner work, provided there is no real external threat.
If you want good communication but are sitting on a powder keg inside, you will never be able to argue calmly and objectively.
I do not mean to deny that there are enough situations, such as domestic violence or other toxic relationships, where you are no longer safe in the relationship and it would be out of the question to maintain the relationship. Then it is no longer about a better inner attitude or more successful communication. In such cases, the first priority is to protect the person affected. In that case, physical separation is usually the first step and inner work is the help for self-help in order to be able to deal with the emotional situation better and not to go back to the violent partner. As a rule, unless there is an exceptional situation, it is often the case that certain behaviors regularly make one or both partners doubt whether the relationship will last much longer. Here, inner work can help to first clarify your own emotional level and, from a calmer perspective, look at the relationship again and see what you yourself can do to improve it. Inner work also makes it much easier to improve communication because all the old triggers have been processed and the reaction is no longer automatic, as was previously the case. Then you can collect yourself and develop a new reaction strategy based on a more positive view of your partner. Since there are hardly any old, pent-up emotions left after the inner work, you can experience yourself as being much more approachable, even if a difference of opinion does arise.
Love does not mean changing the other person to be what you want them to be, but accepting them as they are, without blaming them for being different from you.
How do you actively change the situation?
First of all, you can be aware that you are unique and so is your partner. There is no such thing as a completely identical couple. However, there is a certain overlap. That means that the more overlap there is in terms of shared interests, similar views and life plans, and similar needs, the better. Then living together is usually easier and you support each other without saying many words.
“Birds of a feather flock together” is definitely preferable to “opposites attract”.
When you're in love, it can be very exciting to get involved with someone who is completely different from you. But if the chemical orchestra ends after one to three years, these relationships usually end because the partners simply have too little in common. Because if a relationship is to last, it needs a correspondingly high degree of commonality. You can also actively increase this yourself by showing a serious interest in the other person's life, initiating joint activities and learning the other person's love language. If you don't do this, the overlap usually decreases over the years and the couple then usually justifies the separation by saying that they have grown apart. But what do you do if, after many years of marriage, you realize that your partner is still the person you married, but you now have other ideas about what life in a relationship should be like?
Then the most important thing is: test your ideas!
By that I don't mean that you should go out with other people to see who else would be a good match, but rather that you should examine yourself to see whether what you have in mind is just a nice fantasy or whether it would stand up to the test of everyday life. This can be tested very well with inner work, without hurting anyone or doing things that could lead to the end of the marriage or relationship at some point. Instead, you can deal with the ideas directly and see what could be possible with your current partner. I have often experienced the first response being: "No, my partner would never go along with that." But to be honest, many partners want you to be happy and would be willing to try things out. It often depends on the way you tell your loved one. Most of the time it's your own fear of bringing it up and hurting the other person. Here too, inner work can help you prepare for an important conversation and reduce emotions beforehand so that you remain calm and approachable, even if the other person can't.
How do you use inner work?
Inner work can be initiated, for example, through meditation, listening to podcasts on the topic and reading self-help books. However, the work usually only really begins when you agree to allow your emotions and deal with the real causes of them. To do this, I use deep hypnosis as an initial spark in conjunction with subsequent integrative coaching. This combination has proven to be very helpful in bringing about deep transformations of old emotional wounds, especially in a very short time, and in reopening the doors that make conversations and finding solutions with your partner possible in the first place.
Conclusion
To save your marriage or relationship, you need to decide that you want to continue to love your partner. It is up to you to do something to make things better with your partner soon. Inner work will help you to change at least the 50% that you can change:
YOURSELF.
With inner work you have a tool in your hand that gives you hope, security and the possibility that there can still be a way forward for you as a couple.
I am sure that most partners are willing to move towards the other person as soon as they show positive change. This way, even very hardened fronts can be softened and love can be given a chance.
If you would like to use professional support with inner work on your path, you can book an appointment for an initial consultation with me now.
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