Toxic relationship: 5 red lines you should pay attention to

First of all, I would like to tell you that I went through a toxic relationship myself and crossed all the red lines. I know the feeling of waking up and no longer having any confidence in yourself or your own perception. And that is why this post is aimed especially at women out there who are in a toxic relationship or believe that they are. If you are a man and believe you are in a toxic relationship, it can also be helpful to recognize the five red lines.

The term 'toxic relationship' means that one or both partners in the relationship suffer more than they are happy. Usually only one partner suffers when it is a relationship structure where one partner has a narcissistic personality, while the other partner usually has a dependent personality. The latter usually suffers from the partner's behavior and has difficulty leaving the relationship, mainly out of fear of not being able to cope with life without the partner. Often there is not only an emotional dependency, but also a financial one.

However, if it is a strong and successful woman who is with a narcissistic man, it is more likely that she will only recognize the problem late and will sacrifice herself greatly for her partner. Such women are often at particular risk of falling very low, as they usually have very high self-confidence and find it very difficult to regain trust in themselves and their perception, as well as in men themselves, after a toxic relationship.

sad woman (Photo by Wix)

If you recognize yourself in one of the two women, I would like to say to you with all due respect:

You can not help it!

Narcissistic men have a habit of always choosing women who are either easy prey because they are not familiar with this type of man or because they are so strong that they do not notice for a long time how he is gradually bringing them down.

I don't want to claim that there are only narcissistic men. Of course there are women with this personality structure, but it is much rarer. And in order to educate women in toxic relationships in particular, I will stick with this much more common constellation.

Most women who are in a toxic relationship have already crossed the following 5 red lines. Again, I want to say that this is not your fault or your mistake. It's just that you were only able to realize what happened by looking back.

Søren Kierkegaard once said:

"Life is lived forward and understood backward."

It has nothing to do with a lack of intelligence or a perception problem, nor with some kind of inability to have a relationship. So please don't blame yourself if you didn't see these lines in time. Your loving heart simply didn't want to accept that something was wrong. You can only learn from experience. And often we unconsciously enter into a toxic relationship because our soul wants to heal a much earlier event. It is basically a repetition to become aware of your traumas and to heal them.

If you don't yet know what you should learn from this, therapeutic support or coaching is advisable. This can help you to resolve emotional blockages, self-doubt and self-reproach, which is very important in order to be able to live life happily and freely again.

Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a misunderstood and unresolved story? You could invest your energy much better in building your life according to your values.

But now to the 5 red lines that every person has crossed without knowing it before waking up in a toxic relationship.

1. Emotional unavailability:

Has your partner repeatedly turned a cold shoulder to situations in which you needed emotional support and understanding and simply fled? Did he not take your feelings seriously and perhaps even laugh at you for it? Did you feel misunderstood and stupid?

This is a clear sign of an emotionally unavailable partner who controls his own feelings to such an extent that he is no longer able to respond to his partner's feelings and react to them appropriately, i.e. lovingly. If this happens repeatedly, an emotionally unstable partner can conclude from this behavior that she is too emotional and should get herself under control. This is usually where the loss of energy begins. We women are also used to worrying more about the well-being of others than our own. Therefore, it may be that women think that he will open up and that his problems will disappear with a good dose of understanding and love. But that's not the case! Unfortunately, this does not go away and all the films that try to make us believe that men change and suddenly become emotionally available, even though they were not at all emotionally available at the beginning of the relationship, are a false image.

2. The feeling that something is wrong:

Did you have the feeling right from the start of the relationship that something was wrong with your partner? He was very interesting and different from the other men you had met so far? Maybe you even idolized him a little because he had such a great charisma, and yet you kept feeling a little uneasy that something wasn't quite right? He was like a needle in a haystack and you could hardly believe that you were so incredibly lucky? That could be an indicator that you crossed that red line very early on and wanted to stay in the relationship despite your feelings. Who can blame them when the little princess finally finds her prince? Who wants to spoil her happiness? It's usually the thing we can least forgive ourselves for. But here too, it should be said: you would never have learned this if you hadn't immersed yourself in this matter. Be proud of yourself for knowing better now! With a little more self-confidence, which you can work on, you will never fall for it again!

3. The relationship developed very quickly:

If you had the feeling of being on cloud nine with your loved one or if you simply immediately felt a very deep connection and he even expressed it verbally, it could be that he only said that to quickly bind you to him before you recognize his true nature.

Narcissistic personalities in particular tend to enter into a relationship very quickly and make a deal. They then usually move in together quickly or make hasty marriage proposals.

They constantly pretend to be absolutely certain that their partner is their soul mate/angel/lifesaver and that they can't and don't want to live without each other. There is no shortage of exaggerations of any kind here.

It may have seemed like a Hollywood movie, and this is exactly where the little princess in you was addressed. Because the little girl in us still wants the prince on the white horse. Even if the adult in us says that this is not the case. Here the subconscious, which is controlled by emotions, works against rational decisions and steers even very independent, professionally successful women into toxic relationships without assessing the consequences. It is basically the case that the inner child then makes the decisions and not the adult who has definitely seen the red lines or at least suspected them.

4. Your partner showed sudden changes in behavior :

A toxic relationship is characterized by the fact that the narcissistic partner usually plays a game of closeness and distance. He first wants a lot of closeness, only to then suddenly and unexpectedly verbally push the partner away or ignore him. The latter is often justified by saying that the partner has behaved incorrectly or does not respect his wish for his own time and peace. Here, the aim is already to indoctrinate the usually unsuspecting partner into believing that she is not able to recognize and protect his needs well enough, let alone fulfill them. She simply cannot please him and so the emotional cycle begins to spiral downwards. In the process, she loses sight of her own needs more and more and begins to revolve like the earth around the sun. It is not uncommon for these men to say neither where they are going nor when they will be back, in order to constantly focus the woman's attention on themselves. They expect their partner to accept this behavior. If she doesn't do this, she is heaped with accusations and the tables are turned so that she feels stupid for even having asked. This is often done by putting the partner in the role of the jealous one so that she doesn't have to admit any mistakes of her own.

5. You never feel enough in the presence of your partner:

The 5th red line is the alarming one and the one that usually goes unnoticed for a long time. Many women work hard on themselves because they are used to looking for the fault in themselves and loving the man no matter how badly he treats them. They run from one coach to another to feel enough again and think that this feeling is a remnant of their messed up childhood. And even if it is mostly related to habitual behavior from childhood, it is simply a very clear indicator of being trapped in a toxic relationship. And in order to be happy again, the relationship must end, no matter how difficult it may be. Because if you have worked on yourself, usually for a very long time, to feel enough again and yet you remain in the toxic relationship, he will always tear you down. Your unstable self-esteem can only heal if you make a clean break. And that is often still too much for many women who are in a toxic relationship. Most people, out of habit, still look for the problem in themselves. They have not realized that he has used this to remain in the shadows and his mistakes remain unrecognized. This way he continues to control his partner, who already suspects that she cannot be solely to blame for all this, but no longer dares to say anything for fear that he has the better arguments anyway or that there will be an argument. A narcissistic personality is characterized above all by always wanting to be right and turning every objection around so skillfully that it is invalidated and, at best, the problem lies with the partner again. If a narcissist is experienced, his partner only notices this after months or even years. And that is exactly what hurts us women so much. Because if you have to admit that you have not seen and changed the real reason for this feeling of not being enough in the here and now, even though you may otherwise be very strong and successful in life, it can massively attack your entire self-image and cause serious disruption.

Woman who has recognized her worth

You can see that something is seriously wrong when only two or three of the red lines are visible in your relationship. Because a positive, loving partnership does not need the turbo or control, nor does one of the partners have the need to put themselves above the other or destroy them bit by bit. If you are in a toxic relationship, I can only recommend that you do not go out alone. Because the habit of blaming yourself and the fear of doing your partner an injustice is usually so prevalent that you do not recognize in time when they are trying to wrap you up again. I have experienced this myself. Suffering itself can also become a habit, so that you feel even worse when you suddenly no longer have these perfidious games, such as the closeness-distance game, in your life. You are simply so used to suffering that your nervous system no longer accepts true calm and inner peace. It is constantly on permanent alert and takes its toll. Basically, you now have to learn to get along without these games and to be completely stable yourself. That is why ending the toxic relationship is inevitable. Even breaking off contact is essential in order to find yourself again. During this time, accompanying coaching is worth its weight in gold! Because a coach who has experience in this field can see more than you. He looks at the situation from a bird's eye view, while you may feel like you can't see the forest for the trees. And in the worst case, that can lead to you going back to him, even though you know exactly how bad you felt with him. This self-destructive behavior was usually part of your subconscious in some form before the relationship. Looking here and resolving this part can be very helpful in regaining the joy of life and deep trust in yourself and your perception. Nevertheless, it is absolutely essential to leave the current relationship. Using hypnosis, I have helped numerous people to heal their injuries from a toxic relationship and to update their subconscious beliefs. The second step was about inviting healthier relationships into their lives through the power of the subconscious. Because what you say to yourself and the image you have of yourself has a direct impact on what you find outside and the people you resonate with. You are welcome to find out more in an intensive coaching session without obligation and take home some initial strategies to take action immediately.

If today was a day that made you doubt your relationship again, tomorrow can be a day when you find your way back home.

Book yourpersonal intensive coaching with me now.